How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt (Even If You’re a People Pleaser)

One of the most common questions I hear from clients—especially the high achievers, educators, and caregivers I work with—is this:

“How do I hold boundaries without feeling guilty?”

It’s such a good question. And the truth is, it’s not really about never feeling guilty. It’s about choosing to hold the boundary even when the guilt shows up.

Let me explain.

Why Guilt Shows Up When You Set Boundaries

If you’re someone who’s always been the dependable one: the helper, the overachiever, the “yes” person. Setting a boundary can feel like breaking an unspoken contract. One you probably placed upon yourself without realizing it. 

That guilt you're feeling? It’s not a sign that you’re doing something wrong.

It’s a signal that you’re disrupting a pattern.

Often, these patterns come from early life experiences, trauma, or work environments where our worth was tied to what others thought of us. (ORr what we imagined others thought). 

When you begin prioritizing your own needs, when you start saying “no” or “not right now,” your nervous system might panic a little. It’s not the normal you are used it. 

That doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path. It means you’re doing the work.

Holding the Boundary Anyway

The goal isn’t to eliminate guilt before you set boundaries. It’s to honor your boundary because it’s what you’ve decided is best for you (even when it feels uncomfortable at first).

Think of each boundary as a commitment (a promise) you’re making to yourself.

And here’s what I want you to know:

You are worthy of following through on your own commitments.

Even if it ruffles feathers.

Even if someone else is disappointed.

Even if your old programming tells you it’s selfish.

It’s not selfish. It’s self leadership. It is leading by example. 

The more you practice holding boundaries (even when it feels sticky), the more evidence you build that it’s safe. That it works. That your world doesn’t fall apart when you take care of yourself. That your people can handle your “no” and still love you.

Boundaries Build Trust (with You and Everyone Around You)

When you set a boundary and follow through, you build trust with yourself.You become someone you can rely on.And others begin to see that too. You are consistent, you are grounded, and you mean what you say.

That trust is what makes you a strong, aligned leader.

It’s what allows you to show up fully for the people you support: your clients, your team, your family. You are no longer running on resentment or exhaustion.

The Practice This Week

If this resonates, I want to invite you into a little practice:

Step 1: Choose one commitment to yourself (start small) that you know would support you this week. (Examples: getting off social media before dinner for the day, going to bed earlier, reading every day, a walk every day) 

Step 2: Set it. Communicate it if needed (or write it down somewhere for yourself) 

Step 3: And hold it, honor that for yourself, even when the guilt and hard shows up.  

Step 4: Then observe, get curious and jot down what happens:What shifts in your energy?What opens up when you follow through?How do you feel about yourself on the other side?

It’s not about getting rid of the guilt. Its about not letting it have such a hold on you. Realizing discomfort will show up and STILL putting you first because you know its the only way! 

You just need to believe you’re worth the effort.

And you are.

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